Neither Fish Nor Fowl

My girlfriend found this today. I thought it might be of interest for those, like me, who find it troubling to go to the “Ladies” room at times.

Bathroom Encounters of the Binary Kind

Ivan Coyote

Three days ago I broke down and bought one of those little home weight benches at Canadian Tire.

I just haven’t been making it to the gym as much lately. Part of the reason is that I am in Winnipeg as a writer in residence for four months, and the mercury has been shivering around –25C for a week now, not counting the wind-chill factor.

Some days the thought of dragging myself out of my warm and writerly apartment to go scrape off, unplug, unClub and warm up my truck, and plow through the snow to drive to the gym is too much. But my real obstacle is the gender hassle in the women’s change room at the university. Trying to speed-change before I scare an entire volleyball team of undergrads is just more than I can face some days.

Last week I heard three young women talking trash about me from the next row of lockers over, and the high school flashback that ensued on the drive home blindsided me a little and left me with the perfect excuse not to work out the next day. So I bought a weight bench, an exercise ball and a couple sets of dumbbells, cranked up some music and pumped some iron in the privacy of my own rented home.

But it got me to thinking.

I wondered how many times public change rooms have been or become an unclimbable obstacle for transgendered, transitioning, genderqueer or gender-non-conforming people. What are the health impacts of these spaces not being as accessible to us as they are for others?

The dictionary definition of the word “public” is interesting: “of, pertaining to, or affecting a population or a community as a whole, open to all persons, pertaining or devoted to the welfare or well-being of the community, of or pertaining to all humankind” being a few of the most relevant definitions.

I think if we are to continue calling gendered bathrooms and change rooms public spaces, then we have a lot of work ahead of us.

I know there are people working right now to provide gender-neutral washrooms and “family” change rooms in so-called public venues, and I wholeheartedly salute and support these efforts. But right now I am working for the University of Winnipeg, which I find to be a very progressive and queer friendly campus in general, yet the women’s washrooms are still labelled “Ladies’,” and the women’s change room is very nearly non-negotiable for me.

So, here are a few tips I have learned over the years. Not a solution, really  — just a Band-aid, but here goes:

I often ask a cisgendered or more traditionally feminine presenting friend to escort me into the women’s washroom. We recite a predecided script together, where I lament forgetting my purse and ask her if I can borrow a tampon, or some other such nonsense, in the highest voice I can muster. This works only if you can find the humour in it all and have fun with it. Sometimes I complain about my husband leaving the seat up. Can be hilarious, if you pick the right escort.

This method is useless when travelling alone, as I most often am. Some places, such as ferries or movie theatres, where there is often a rush for the washrooms, and hence the dreaded lineup, I opt for the men’s room.

This is not an option for everyone, I realize, as many women feel (or are) unsafe in men’s rooms, and they do tend to be a little… untended in the hygiene department, but I have noticed that men do not scrutinize each other in quite the same way, especially the straight ones, so they are less likely to notice you, unless they are cruising you, which is usually fine by me. If you are at all uncomfortable with sexual advances by men, I would suggest you stick with the “Ladies’” room, regardless of how much of an actual lady you might be.

Single-stall, wheelchair accessible restrooms are ideal, but the risk here is that you will find a person in an actual wheelchair waiting when you exit. This has never actually happened to me in my entire lifetime on the gender frontlines, but I always worry about it.

I have my entire apology written and rehearsed, just in case. I practise it from time to time on the few well-meaning, able-bodied people who have given me shit or just the ole stink-eye on my way out of the wheelchair facilities. It goes something along the lines of: I checked to ensure before I entered that there was not a person with mobility issues waiting, and there was not.

Then I ask them which bathroom they think I should use.

They always answer “the men’s room, of course,” upon which I use this teachable moment to pontificate on the perils of a two-party gender system and inform them that technically I am female assigned, and that in my experience most people are visually impaired when it comes to those of us with more nuanced gender identities.

This usually works, or at least confuses them enough to defuse the situation. Either way, I am off to the departure lounge with no further hassles.

The most valuable lesson I have learned is this: most women who will scream, gasp, point or otherwise hassle you in the ladies’ room are not, in fact, evil people who got up that morning intending to ruin your day. They are women who are simply startled or afraid of someone who appears to them to be male in a space that is supposed to be reserved for them. A place where they are supposed to be free from the eyes and hands of men.

So I try to remember that they are, in part at least, scared of me. And I try to be compassionate.

I drop my shoulders, make my body language as non-threatening as possible, try to hold kindness in my heart, look them in the eye, smile and say in my most reassuring tone: “It’s okay. It’s just me.”

This almost always works.

Update: Just found out that she found it from the genderqueer blog here on tumblr. So, credit to them for finding it.

The fight for equal rights has a theme in the US. I’m not sure if it extends to Britain or other countries, but it is certainly present here. The argument between one who supports equal rights for the gay community and someone who does not usually goes something like this:

Pro-Equality: “Gay people are people and deserve the same rights”

Anti-Equality: “Gay people and straight people are different, so we have different things”

Pro-Equality: “Separate but equal isn’t an option. Brown v. Board of Education.”

Anti-Equality: “You can’t change your race. Being gay is a choice.”

And that’s usually where the reasonable part of a debate comes to an end. Those who refuse to recognize the queer community as an equal part of the community as a whole can stop the argument by bringing it to the issue of whether or not being gay is a choice. Of course, any gay person will tell you, it’s not. But Maggie Gallhagher (of NOM) really doesn’t give a flying f*ck about what we feel. No, unless we can prove to them that it is innate and unchangeable, this will be their stopping point. And they know it.

The issue with this is that the “gay gene” hypothesis is largely unproved. The search for it started in about 1991, where a study weakly linked homosexuality (and FTM transgender) to neurotransmitter levels in the developing brain. This was a valiant, but ultimately unstable argument. In 2004, a British group tried to explain the “Darwinian Paradox” that homosexuality causes.

For those who don’t know, Darwin’s theory of natural selection states that traits are accumulated by species over time by the “survival of the fittest” model. That is to say, those individuals in a species that carry genes more advantageous in a given environment are more likely to reproduce and pass those genes on. So lets say we have two house sparrows (Passer domesticus) both male, and both living in the tree by your house. Let’s call them Bob and Jim. Genetically, Bob and Jim are 99.9% similar, but Bob has a gene mutation causing him to have a darker feather color than Jim. One day, Bob and Jim are sitting in the tree together. Then they notice your cat stalking them from just 3 feet below. Bob and Jim duck under a leaf. But the cat still sees Jim because his feathers are lighter. Bazango, your cat eats Jim and Bob is free to mate and pass on his “darker feather color” to his offspring.

Anyway, this paper published in Britain states that because homosexual partners cannot pass on both of their sets of genes to their offspring, the “Darwinian Paradox” ensues. How can we keep selecting for homosexuality, when it doesn’t follow the Darwinian model? The 2004 paper tried to answer this by suggesting that gay men are the result of female fecundity (fertility).

“we found that female maternal relatives of homosexuals have higher fecundity than female maternal relatives of heterosexuals and that this difference is not found in female paternal relatives.”

So basically, being gay means your mom’s relatives are way more likely to have babies than if you were straight. So it’s a balancing act. Because you can’t biologically have kids, your relatives are more likely to. Similarly, the increased fecundity on your mom’s side may in fact be the cause of your gayness. Freaky.

So, this study has stuck. And in 1996, another study was conducted testing fraternal birth order (FBO) and how that affects being gay.

“This ‘maternal immunity hypothesis’ maintains that the accumulating antibodies to male-specific antigens may affect sexual differentiation of the male foetal brain in a feminizing direction leading to homosexuality”

Basically, when you’re in your mom’s womb, her body thinks you might be a bad thing, and tries to neutralize you by making you “more like mom” or feminizing the fetus (you). The more older brothers you have, the better your mom’s body is at feminizing your fetus= more likely you’re gay. However, this FBO effect doesn’t really “follow all the rules” in the sense that if your mother feminized your fetus, there would be more effects on you than just making you gay. And these effects are not seen. But keep in mind this doesn’t apply to gay women, only men.

Apparently, South Korea has had some success in making female mice gay by deleting a gene, but it is fairly recent, so we shall see where it goes.

So with the exclusion of many reports and studies, that is the bulk of the information. Because the scientific community cannot find one hypothesis to really explain homosexuality, those apposing gay rights see it as ok to make the assumption that “science is still debating it” and “if its not genetic, its a choice”.

And this is where I find fault.

First of all, science is a constant debate. We are constantly trying to prove other studies right or wrong, that is the nature of the scientific process. Secondly, just because we haven’t been able to find the cause of queerness in the last 20 years doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Think of the progress we’ve made in understanding our world just in the past 100 years. We’ve discovered galaxies and Einstein’s Theory of Relativity; whole new families of animals, bacteria and mammals alike, and how they evolved from carbon and nitrogen alone. We’ve developed immunizations and better tests for infections and diseases just within the past year. We only found genetics 60 years ago. And look at all we have accomplished with it since then. Science is moving faster than some realize, but slower than most want. But the most striking fact in this whole debate is this: sexuality doesn’t have to be genetic to not be a choice.

Personally, this is what I believe. I am not convinced by the genetic research so far. People are eager to find this information and so far it has been flimsy at best, not describing the whole picture. I think sexual preference is just that, a preference. I like to think of it as the anchovy hypothesis. I would ask you if you like anchovies. Some people love anchovies, some people hate them, and some are indifferent. But most people would tell you that whatever their preference for them, they don’t know why they feel that way. They just do. If you give one to someone who hates anchovies, and make them try it, you probably wont make them love them. And there is no way you can make someone who loves anchovies hate them, short of a traumatizing experience regarding them (ex-gay therapy) which most likely will not make them stop liking the taste of them, but instill a phobia instead. I love anchovies, but my girlfriend despises them. The taste, the smell, the texture, everything about them she cannot stand. What is the reason for this difference? I don’t know, but I’m not about to go searching for the anchovy gene. While I realize it might demean sexuality to talk about it in terms of food preference, I think the overall hypothesis stands. Preference can sometimes be innate and unchangeable.

But what’s more than all of these previous facts combined. Whether or not gay is a choice or genetic shouldn’t matter. Who gives a crud if we are “born this way”? We are gay or bi or trans or asexual or genderqueer or just queer and that’s ok. We aren’t more likely to commit crimes or die early. There is no threat, save the one the religious right perceives us to be. The ultimate bottom line of all of this is: the side against the advancement of rights for minorities always loses. It happened with women’s rights, worker’s rights, child protection laws, civil rights in the 60’s and it will happen again. When we bring the subject around to whether or not being gay is genetic and innate, the answer is “it doesn’t matter”. Whatever threat we are thought to be, whatever prejudice is out there, it will continue to be there. But the fact is, America is on our side for equality. Just in the past 10 years, public opinion has flipped from 60-40 against gay rights, to 60-40 in favor. The younger generation is shedding those prejudices like water. We must keep fighting to ensure that this generation is reinforced and we must allow people to see the queer community for what we are: a diverse and beneficial people. What’s more, being queer is a part of us, but that is not all we are. We deserve equal rights because above and beyond any one of our parts, the sum of our parts is human.

soft-animal asked: Hi! I'm really excited about your blog - I've been having a really hard time adjusting to being non-binary/genderqueer in the post-college world and figuring out how to navigate pronouns and my name and things like that with potential employers or newpeople I'll meet who might not have any familiarity with queerness beyond LGB or maybe binary T. I guess my question, then, is how you've handled that. Do you use gender-neutral pronouns? How do you get people to take your identity seriously? -Beans

It is tough to figure out how you want others to perceive you. I did it out of sheer ignorance. I knew how I felt and it was only years later that I found out there is such a thing as genderqueer. Honestly, I thought I had made it up, I was so clueless.

There’s that old saying: “just be yourself, no one else matters”. I think it is only half bull-honkey. I use female pronouns, I’ve never told anyone to use anything else. The college I went to was generally very gender conscious and people were usually very PC around those who expressed gender in varying ways.  When people met me, it was a common question regarding what pronoun I prefer. For a long time, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted people to know off the bat that I saw myself in the middle. But on the other hand, I didn’t feel like third-person or gender-neutral pronouns fit me. After a while,  I told them to use whatever pronoun they wanted. If I looked and acted more masculine to them, they should say “he”. If I was more feminine, use “she”. If I don’t fit either, use gender-neutral. That floored most people. And understandably so. In short, I choose not to use gender-neutral pronouns exclusively because I find them foreign and unnecessary to express how I feel. People’s perception of you does matter, but we influence it more in our actions than in the words we choose for others to describe us. Pronouns are not for me; I know who I am. Pronouns are for everyone else.

Blurring the lines can be a daunting task and if people are not accustomed to any form of gender variance, they can get frightened. People are always afraid of what they don’t understand. I’ve had people be shocked when I tell them I don’t ever want to be pregnant. I grew up in a small mid-western town and for a long time I was almost embarrassed to walk around in the open wearing what I want to wear. I didn’t want to put people out of their comfort zones. Worst of all, I didn’t want the stares. But, we will always get the stares.

As for how I get people to take me seriously. I don’t. My mom is a very intelligent, wonderful woman, accepting of my girlfriend and 99% of my life choices. But she doesn’t understand what being genderqueer means. I’ve come to the conclusion that she probably never will.  My sister is the same way. She understands me being gay, but when it comes to being gq, she always asks me why I can’t just be a “different kind of woman”. Understanding being gq is different from respecting it. My mom and sister don’t understand, but they respect me. I’ve been open and honest with them, and they ask questions about how I view my gender. I am never impatient with their lack of understanding. But, my dad doesn’t understand and doesn’t respect it either. I choose not to force him to because I know he doesn’t want to understand it or respect it. I know I can never force anyone to do anything they don’t want to. On the other hand, my girlfriend has told me several times that when she thinks about me, she doesn’t think about me as a man or a woman, just as me.There will always be people who wont understand. There will always be people who will think we’re just looking for attention, or cant make up our mind, or that we “just haven’t decided to transition yet” (you cannot imagine how many times people have thought that of me). Find out what makes you comfortable and go with it. Cut out those in your life who would seek to undermine your vision of yourself. You will always be the best judge of your life.

Keep on keepin’ on, Beans.  I’m glad you’re reading. I hope we can all help each other out.

-Beck